• How a Victim Mentality Literally Almost KILLED Me

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    Summary

    Do you feel things keep happening TO you? Do you feel like you don’t have control over your life? I get it. I felt that way too. It was the worst point in my life. Today, I am in a positive and happy place. 

    This is the story of my rock bottom. But, ultimately,  it is a story of triumph. 

    Tune in to learn how to overcome victim thinking to create the life you seek.

    Remember, “It is ok to feel”.

     

    Timestamps

    • [00:01] Episode overview and trigger warning
    • [07:08] The worst point in my life: trying to hide in plain sight
    • [10:08] Scheduling my crying sessions (spoiler: it didn’t work)
    • [12:19] Why? 
    • [13:24] Balancing suicidal thoughts with masking my pain 
    • [15:39] As I was about to do it, God literally intervened. 
    • [23:18]What I realized about why I wasn’t healing
    • [26:27] I forced myself to do THIS.
    • [27:18] If people compare their problems to yours, remember this. 
    • [29:56] Turning bad experiences into learning experiences 
    • [31:18] What is the victim mentality and do you have it?
    • [31:33]How you STOP feeling victimized and START living the life you want 
    • [36:04] What happens when you shift away from the victim thinking
    • [37:20] Going from contentment to happiness 
    • [39:15] The past made sense when I traded the victim mindset for a positive mindset
    • [41:35] 3 things I learnt from losing the mindset of victimhood 
    • [48:18] If you are going through a rough patch now, this is how you make it make sense 
    • [54:08] When I don’t have something I want, I do this. 
    • [56:33] Two ways to avoid relapsing into the victim mentality

     

    Key Takeaways To Tune In For

    • Part of the reason I wasn’t healing is that I wasn’t facing what was making me feel depressed. 
    • Avoidance just makes things pile up and make you feel even more overwhelmed. 
    • Forcing yourself to feel what you feel is the first step to healing.
    • People may compare their struggles to yours to belittle your struggle, shut that noise out. Remember, it is ok to feel what you feel.  
    • It is ok to be out of service for a few days if that’s what you need. 
    • Life will put you in the same situation over and over until you learn what you are supposed to learn. 
    • Having a victim mentality is thinking that things keep happening to you. You can escape this by looking at things as happening FOR you rather than TO you. 
    • Leaving victim thinking behind and replacing it with positive thinking can explain why things were going wrong for you in the past. Things that did not make sense will start making sense. 
    • If you are going through a rough time now and it doesn’t make any sense, keep going through it. Be introspective and ask yourself many questions.
    • Your mindset is the first step to changing your life and your thoughts are more powerful than you think.

     

    Resources Mentioned

    The Magic of Thinking Big

    Tyler Perry – Higher is Waiting

    The Power of Positive Thinking

     

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    How a victim mentality almost killed me - Secluded Thoughts Podcast

  • Why You Never Need to Watch Another Motivational Video Again

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    Summary

    If you are like me, you probably have an unhealthy relationship with motivation. Don’t go looking for motivation ever again after listening to this. Months ago, I started trading in motivation for discipline. 

    I told myself: “You can suffer the pain of discipline or you can suffer the pain of regret”

    Tune in to learn how to finally check those boxes next to your goals. 

     

    Timestamps

    • [00:01] Episode overview and trigger warning
    • [02:01] A perfect example of my unhealthy relationship with motivation (storytime)
    • [04:24] Losing motivation after the first speed bump
    • [06:16] How waiting on motivation wastes your time. 
    • [07:00] The only motivation video that actually worked (and it’s not what you think).
    • [07:47] Motivation will get you nowhere, THIS is what you need instead. 
    • [08:20] The illusion of progress vs. actual progress 
    • [09:45] How motivation tricks your brain.
    • [12:42] The book that changed my life and will change yours. 
    • [13:51] How to actually start getting things done and stop wasting time.
    • [14:39] Make being specific your new best friend. 
    • [17:02] What you can do right now with every single goal you have. 
    • [18:16] Why having a schedule helps you accomplish your goals.
    • [18:45] The only way to hack discipline (you snooze, you lose). 

     

    Key Takeaways To Tune In For

    • We look for motivation when we need something to convince us to do something. 
    • Motivational content can give you the courage you think you need but waiting on motivation can end up wasting a lot of your time. 
    • Depending on motivation will get you nowhere, it is discipline that will help you accomplish your goals.
    • Research itself can be a form of procrastination. Do less planning and more doing.
    • Motivation is temporary and it is not sustainable. It is like getting a temporary shot of dopamine. 
    • There is a difference between feeling good and actually taking action. Focus on being action oriented.
    • If you really want to start doing something, you need to be specific and intentional about it. Plot it into your calendar.  
    • You can break down every goal you have into some kind of schedule or habit. 
    • A schedule is a visual reminder that tells you what you have to do at different points of the day.
    • You have to do things even when you don’t feel like doing them. Once you mess up and start pushing things back, you will eventually end up right back where you started. 

     

    Resources Mentioned

    • Atomic Habits by James Clear

    Let’s stay connected! 

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    Motivation vs discipline - Secluded Thoughts Podcast

  • How to Get Rid of The Negativity in Your Life

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    Show notes are general summaries from episodes. For all the juicy details make sure you stream the episode on your favorite platform!

     

    I’ve always been the strong friend. I love helping people and I’m a good listener so the role naturally fit me… until it didn’t.

    Because I’m also very empathetic, I realized that I had to set boundaries because being there for my friends and subjecting myself to negativity from different sources was starting to really affect my energy and constantly had me in a funk.

    So I decided to audit my life and the things that I’m exposed to on a daily basis to get rid of the negativity.

    Here’s what I did and here’s how you can do this to improve your life too.

     

    1. Negative People

    The first person you need to focus on is yourself. Pay attention to any negative self talk you might be indulging in, like saying something is never going to work out before you even try.

    Secondly, do an audit of the people in your life.

    How do you feel when you see a text from someone? How do you feel when you’re around them or know you’ll have to be around them? Is that person encouraging and uplifting you and pushing you toward your goals?

    If you have people in your life that drain you just by thinking of them, you need to set boundaries and even cut them off if necessary.

    If you don’t want to deal with drama and gossip and you have friends that keep bringing those things to your attention, talk to them. Ask them to stop.

    It’s going to be uncomfortable at first. Setting boundaries is always initially uncomfortable; especially if you’re a people pleaser.

    But you can’t please everyone and neglect yourself.

     

    2. Negative Environment

    Your home environment has a bigger impact on your energy than you realize.

    If you’ve ever had bad roommates you know what I’m talking about. I bet you’re already irritated just thinking about it.

    I used to waste so much time and energy thinking about how messy some of my roommates were. Time and energy I could’ve spent being productive doing something else.

    You don’t realize how much your environment takes a toll on you until you leave and get your own place or get better roommates.

    If you’re in an unfortunate situation with your roommates or with your family (if you still live with your parents), consider making a plan and saving up to get a place of your own so you can revel in your freedom.

     

    3. Negative Media Exposure

    News

    I absolutely never watch the news; it’s too negative.

    It might seem extremely ignorant to some, but I’ve been in bliss.

    Every time I have ever watched the news it has always been something negative. Whether it be crimes, accidents, a collapsing economy or just plain old biased opinions – it’s always negative.

    Rarely do you ever see something positive on the news so I choose not to feed my mind with that first thing in the morning or after a long day at work.

    Social Media

    Twitter used to be the go-to for funny tweets and a good time – now my feed is generally filled with negativity, from people complaining, social injustices, triggering threads, bullying, etc. It no longer serves me. So I deleted it.

    Now, TikTok is my go to because I can spend hours on there laughing till I cry and losing track of time. It may not be the best for my productivity sometimes but it sure does lighten the mood.

    I changed my social media habits to filter out the negative and add more positivity to my life.

    I challenge you to do the same by conducting a social media audit:

    • scroll through your feeds on your favorite social media platforms and unfollow any accounts that are negative or bring your mood down
    • follow more people who are doing things you’re interested in doing – whether it be hobbies, career, or lifestyle and habits.
    • make sure when you use your favorite social media apps it elevates your mood and inspires you; that way, even if you spend a lot of time on there you’re not feeding yourself a bunch of negativity but rather inspiration.

     

    My life, mental health, and energy has significantly improved since I audited these areas of my life and got rid of the negativity. And I want that for you too.


    Let’s stay connected! 

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  • Here’s How You Might Be More Toxic Than You Think

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    Every single one of us deals with toxic people and toxic relationships at some point in our lives.

    And because of how much we care about those people or the nature of our relationship, we tend to overlook those toxic traits until it becomes too much to bear. 

    But today we’re going to address the most toxic person in your life and their different toxic traits that could be holding you back.

    Today, we’re going to be talking about you.

    Yes, that’s right – you. Because you might actually be more toxic than you think. 

    Let’s talk about how.

     

    And before you get triggered and click off, know that the purpose of this blog post is to help you acknowledge your toxic traits and take accountability; not blame you for everything that’s going wrong in your life. We all have choices that we get to choose, but we don’t get to pick the consequences.

     

    How I found out I was toxic

    I saw a Youtube video that talked about people who often made excuses and complained and played the victim. It went in one ear and out the other because I thought I was an angel and that it didn’t apply to me.

    But then I started thinking to myself… I couldn’t have been the only one that was wrong in prior relationships.

    And then it hit me.. I had toxic traits too.

    Because I was so used to justifying everything I did I initially did not feel like I was guilty of any wrongdoing. As I thought about this more I realized that I was more toxic than I thought.

    So now I’m sharing some of those ways with you and also letting you know how some of the things you’re doing could be toxic too.

     

    Your Toxic Traits in a Relationship

    We’ve all been hurt. And we’ve all hurt someone. 

    If you think you have never hurt anyone you might actually be more toxic than you think. 

    And you probably have your list of excuses ready and your story of how bad you’ve been hurt. But let’s talk about why this happened in the first place.

    Here are a few scenarios to consider:

     

    1. You lack communication skills

    You can’t just expect people to read your mind and fix things when you’re upset.

    Learn how to communicate with people when they’ve upset you or when you need something.

     

    2. You’re justifying everything you do

    Your reactions should not be dictated by how other people treat you. They should reflect the type of person you are/want to be. If someone is giving you the silent treatment, for example, you don’t have to play the same game or do something worse and justify it by saying they started it.

    You can choose to be the bigger person.

     

    3. You contradict yourself

    You can’t say you want a good man while also believing there aren’t any good men left.

    I get it; you’ve been hurt before. But if you let that determine how you date in the future, you will always attract men that aren’t any good. 

    With that mindset you’ll accept men who won’t even do the bare minimum because you don’t think a man is capable of going above and beyond for you. 

     

    4. You don’t think you deserve what you want

    This might apply to you if you’re struggling with self confidence. You may want someone to give you the world and be romantic or spontaneous or very affectionate, or whatever your heart desires, but you don’t think you deserve it. 

    Maybe it’s because you’ve never experienced that or observed it through anyone you know. 

    Or maybe, you’re struggling to love or forgive yourself for your past so you don’t think you deserve to be treated like the queen you are.

     

    5. Broken attracts broken

    You can’t fix people or try to heal them with your love. You can’t want more for people than they want for themselves. And you cannot pour from an empty cup. 

    The “broken attracts broken theory” is responsible for a lot of toxic relationships. 

    People often try to find happiness or healing in others because they don’t realize that it comes from within. (I was guilty of this too at one point.)

    You have to first heal your wounds before you can give yourself to someone. 

    Otherwise, you’ll attract someone who may be broken in a similar or different way than you are and your insecurities will feed off of each other and a toxic relationship will form.

     

    How to Work on Your Toxic Traits to Have Better Relationships

    1. Define your needs

    First and foremost, if you want to stop attracting toxic people or people who don’t meet your standards you must have standards to begin with. What are your non-negotiables? What are things you’re willing to compromise on? Be very clear on what those are and don’t settle!

    Make note of your answers to the following questions:

    1. What kind of partner do you want?
    2. How do you want to be treated? (be specific)
    3. What are your non-negotiables?
    4. What are you willing to compromise on?
    5. What is your love language?

     

    2. Lead by example

    “You are the first example of how the world gets to treat you.” – Lisa Nichols

    Make note of what your love language is and tailor your self care routine to it (or develop one if you don’t have one already).

    For example, my love language is physical touch so I started getting massages every month.

    Here’s a great list of ways to love yourself in your love language.

    By doing this you’ll get a natural boost of confidence in yourself and it will show any potential mates that they need to step their game up if they want to date you!

     

    3. Consider seeing a therapist

    Therapy used to be frowned upon for the longest time but with the rise of mental health awareness on social media lots of millennials are considering getting a therapist to work through their problems. 

    If you’re not quite on board yet, consider confiding in a close friend or family member about some of the things you think you need to work through in order to have better relationships.

     

    Did any of these examples trigger you? 

    Don’t worry, you’re not alone. In fact, I’ve experienced all of this and my luck didn’t change until I started to work on myself and change my mindset, so there’s hope for you too!

    The main thing I want you to take away from this post is to take accountability for the kind of people you allow into your life and how you treat other people. 

    There is power in accountability.

    Once you accept accountability you realize that you can control what kind of people you attract into your life by working on yourself.

     


    Let’s stay connected! 

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    New episodes are released every Sunday!

     

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    Toxic traits - Secluded thoughts - Episode 3

  • Why Seeking Validation is Killing Your Dreams

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    In 2018 I had an idea to start a blog about personal growth and self improvement. I didn’t know anyone around me that was blogging so I doubted myself because I had no guidance. I also wasn’t very confident in myself so I started asking those around me whether they thought it was a good idea or not.

    I never actually asked if it was a good idea; I just casually mentioned it every now and then to see what people would say. No one said it was a bad idea nor did anyone discourage me, but no one really seem interested. I didn’t get the validation/encouragement I was looking for.

    Because of that I felt very discouraged. 

    People thought that I should have focused on school and getting my accounting degree because I excelled in my classes. The blog idea just seemed like a distraction to them at first.

    It made me feel like my idea was a waste of timeso I let it go.

    I tried to move on and focus on school and for some time it worked. But the urge came back to start my blog. And I couldn’t seem to shake it.

    No matter how hard I tried it just wouldn’t go away. I had to do it.

    So since I didn’t learn my lesson the first time, I started casually bringing it up again here and there.. waiting for someone to tell me it was a good idea.

    But something amazing happened one day.

    I was driving around to clear my mind and I got an epiphany.

    Something told me that I was never going to find the validation I so desperately sought from others – but I had to do it anyway.

    So I did. And what happened was more than I could have ever anticipated.

    But before we get to that, let me share what I learned in that long agonizing year and why you should NOT seek validation from other people.

     

    Why you should NOT seek validation from other people

    1. People won’t understand your vision

    Your vision was given to you; not other people. No matter how much you try to explain, other people won’t be able to see it. It’s your job to act on your vision whether people understand it or not.

    2. People may want to ‘protect’ you

    If there’s a risk involved in your decision or idea, many people will steer you away from it because they don’t want you to mean well. This is tough because it comes from a good place, but it will only hold you back. Just know that you won’t get anywhere in life without taking risks.

    The biggest risk is not taking any risks. – Mark Zuckerberg

    3. Your friends/family may not be your target audience

    Sure, it’s supportive for your family and friends to share your business, but consider if they’re a part of your target audience at all. For example:

    • If you want to start a blog about weight loss; it’s not relevant to your skinny friend
    • If you want to change your career and become a real estate agent; it’s not relevant to your peers who aren’t interested in buying/selling homes.
    • If you want to pick up a new hobby on running/exercising; it’s not relevant to your lazy peers.

    People can support you but your ideas/decisions may not be relevant to their life so they can only give a response based on their own limited perspective. They may not understand the importance of what you want to do because they have no reference.

    4. You can’t avoid pain

    It’s too much pain to duck! You can’t avoid pain… But most people spend their life not wanting to deal with the pain of rejection, the pain of defeat, the pain of being disappointed, the pain of losing, the pain of failure, the pain of being criticized, the pain of not being liked, the pain, the pain, the pain. That’s called life! – Les Brown

    Trying to avoid the pain of failure will lead to the pain of regret from never doing what you really wanted to do.

    No one is going to wake up in your shoes and live your life for you and deal with the pain of regret. So if people discourage you from pursuing your dreams, let it go in one ear and out the other.

     

    What happened after I took the plunge

    At first I felt alone in my journey because I didn’t know anyone who also had a blog, but then I met lots of bloggers in my niche and even did podcast interviews because people considered me to be an authority in my niche!

    I also learned sooo many new skills including SEO, Search Engine Optimization, (a few of my posts ranked #1 on Google and others were in the top 5 for specific keyword searches), how to monetize content online, social media marketing, taxes for business owners, and more!

    I earned an extra 5 figures annually from my blog and even doubled my income in the second year before selling it when I was no longer passionate about my niche.

    I never saw this coming! It all just started out as an idea for a hobby!

    What if I had listened to those who discouraged me?

     

    Something you need to remember…

    Sometimes when we have an idea or urge to make a major shift in our lives we seek validation from others because we aren’t confident in ourselves. But that’s not how you gain confidence.

    Like I said in my last episode on perfectionism, confidence is not something you wait around on before you make decisions!

    Confidence is earned after you bravely take action on something that scares you. When you do this and look back on all you’ve built/acquired since taking action, you will feel more confident in yourself for your accomplishments.

     


    Let’s stay connected! 

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    If you liked this episode, please leave a 5 star rating on Apple Podcasts and share with your friends!

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    Seeking validation - episode 2 -secluded thoughts