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Every single one of us deals with toxic people and toxic relationships at some point in our lives.

And because of how much we care about those people or the nature of our relationship, we tend to overlook those toxic traits until it becomes too much to bear. 

But today we’re going to address the most toxic person in your life and their different toxic traits that could be holding you back.

Today, we’re going to be talking about you.

Yes, that’s right – you. Because you might actually be more toxic than you think. 

Let’s talk about how.

 

And before you get triggered and click off, know that the purpose of this blog post is to help you acknowledge your toxic traits and take accountability; not blame you for everything that’s going wrong in your life. We all have choices that we get to choose, but we don’t get to pick the consequences.

 

How I found out I was toxic

I saw a Youtube video that talked about people who often made excuses and complained and played the victim. It went in one ear and out the other because I thought I was an angel and that it didn’t apply to me.

But then I started thinking to myself… I couldn’t have been the only one that was wrong in prior relationships.

And then it hit me.. I had toxic traits too.

Because I was so used to justifying everything I did I initially did not feel like I was guilty of any wrongdoing. As I thought about this more I realized that I was more toxic than I thought.

So now I’m sharing some of those ways with you and also letting you know how some of the things you’re doing could be toxic too.

 

Your Toxic Traits in a Relationship

We’ve all been hurt. And we’ve all hurt someone. 

If you think you have never hurt anyone you might actually be more toxic than you think. 

And you probably have your list of excuses ready and your story of how bad you’ve been hurt. But let’s talk about why this happened in the first place.

Here are a few scenarios to consider:

 

1. You lack communication skills

You can’t just expect people to read your mind and fix things when you’re upset.

Learn how to communicate with people when they’ve upset you or when you need something.

 

2. You’re justifying everything you do

Your reactions should not be dictated by how other people treat you. They should reflect the type of person you are/want to be. If someone is giving you the silent treatment, for example, you don’t have to play the same game or do something worse and justify it by saying they started it.

You can choose to be the bigger person.

 

3. You contradict yourself

You can’t say you want a good man while also believing there aren’t any good men left.

I get it; you’ve been hurt before. But if you let that determine how you date in the future, you will always attract men that aren’t any good. 

With that mindset you’ll accept men who won’t even do the bare minimum because you don’t think a man is capable of going above and beyond for you. 

 

4. You don’t think you deserve what you want

This might apply to you if you’re struggling with self confidence. You may want someone to give you the world and be romantic or spontaneous or very affectionate, or whatever your heart desires, but you don’t think you deserve it. 

Maybe it’s because you’ve never experienced that or observed it through anyone you know. 

Or maybe, you’re struggling to love or forgive yourself for your past so you don’t think you deserve to be treated like the queen you are.

 

5. Broken attracts broken

You can’t fix people or try to heal them with your love. You can’t want more for people than they want for themselves. And you cannot pour from an empty cup. 

The “broken attracts broken theory” is responsible for a lot of toxic relationships. 

People often try to find happiness or healing in others because they don’t realize that it comes from within. (I was guilty of this too at one point.)

You have to first heal your wounds before you can give yourself to someone. 

Otherwise, you’ll attract someone who may be broken in a similar or different way than you are and your insecurities will feed off of each other and a toxic relationship will form.

 

How to Work on Your Toxic Traits to Have Better Relationships

1. Define your needs

First and foremost, if you want to stop attracting toxic people or people who don’t meet your standards you must have standards to begin with. What are your non-negotiables? What are things you’re willing to compromise on? Be very clear on what those are and don’t settle!

Make note of your answers to the following questions:

  1. What kind of partner do you want?
  2. How do you want to be treated? (be specific)
  3. What are your non-negotiables?
  4. What are you willing to compromise on?
  5. What is your love language?

 

2. Lead by example

“You are the first example of how the world gets to treat you.” – Lisa Nichols

Make note of what your love language is and tailor your self care routine to it (or develop one if you don’t have one already).

For example, my love language is physical touch so I started getting massages every month.

Here’s a great list of ways to love yourself in your love language.

By doing this you’ll get a natural boost of confidence in yourself and it will show any potential mates that they need to step their game up if they want to date you!

 

3. Consider seeing a therapist

Therapy used to be frowned upon for the longest time but with the rise of mental health awareness on social media lots of millennials are considering getting a therapist to work through their problems. 

If you’re not quite on board yet, consider confiding in a close friend or family member about some of the things you think you need to work through in order to have better relationships.

 

Did any of these examples trigger you? 

Don’t worry, you’re not alone. In fact, I’ve experienced all of this and my luck didn’t change until I started to work on myself and change my mindset, so there’s hope for you too!

The main thing I want you to take away from this post is to take accountability for the kind of people you allow into your life and how you treat other people. 

There is power in accountability.

Once you accept accountability you realize that you can control what kind of people you attract into your life by working on yourself.

 


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Toxic traits - Secluded thoughts - Episode 3